Tuesday, 25 March 2008

News at Ten: Mike Hitchen has a one hour meeting with NSW Police

BREAKING NEWS!
Press Release:

"UPDATE: The NSPCC has advised that they have contacted the Child Protection Police in Bradford who assured them that they have undertaken an investigation which includes working alongside other agencies.

Jill Havern is also the centre of a complaint with West Midlands Police and following a one hour meeting with New South Wales Police, they too are aware of what has been happening. Police in at least two other countries have also been contacted by other victims of their campaign."


The following is a transcript from the 1 hour meeting:

Maggot: Hello Mr Policeman, I'd like to make a complaint please.

NSW policeman: Hello again Mr Maggot, what complaint have you got today?

Maggot: Well, there's a woman in the UK who's stalking me.

NSW policeman: Really? Do you have any proof?

Maggot: No. But that's not all. She wrote a book about the NHS and made outrageous claims!

NSW policeman: Really? What claims were they?

Maggot: Well, I don't know, I didn't read the crap book.

NSW policeman: I see. Is there anything else I can help you with, Mr Maggot?

Maggot: Yes, there is. She and a big pink cat from Ealing have created a blog about me that contains pornographic material!

NSW policeman: Really... do you have any spoof... er, sorry, proof?

Maggot: Well, no.

NSW policeman: Mr Maggot, before we can take any action we need to see hard evidence.

Maggot: OK, how about this then... she wouldn't talk dirty to me and she queried one of my articles on my award winning blog and then she had the audacity to leave my award winning blog when I attacked another blogger about his baby!

NSW policeman: Go on, Mr Maggot, tell me more.

Maggot: Well, there isn't any more. BUT, hang on a minute! She's now forced me to create a libellous blog about her and the other blogger! And she's also forced me to register with tons of forums so that I can post vile things about them both! She's even forced me to start a 'child at risk' campaign! Can you imagine how much of my time that takes up when I could be walking through the boys' school with my camera or writing pervy stories about spanking children? Indeed, only last night I was on their blog for more than 5 hours posting pornographic comments in an attempt to get their spoof blog shut down. What are you going to do about it Mr Policeman?

NSW policeman: Mr Maggot, can I please ask you to put this jacket on? I realise the arms are very long and that they tie up at the back but...

Maggot: Oh, very nice, but do you have it in any other colour? And why are you putting me in this room with no windows? Hello???

1 hour meeting consisting of:
3 minutes to report complaint
57 minutes to secure jacket

53 comments:

Anonymous said...

LOL! That's a blast.

Judge Judy said...

I'd like to disagree with the given timeline of said meeting.

Time taken to secure the jacket would be somewhat less than 57 minutes in my estimation. To wit, Mr Maggot would have made sure he dusted and polished Mr Policeman before he entered into Mr Maggot's abode beyond the front vestibule, what with him having a housework fetish and all.

Thus cutting down the amount of available time remaining to conduct the interview and fit the Emporer's new clothes!

mike the perv said...

oh, I see the trolls have arrived:)

Anonymous said...

Get back under yer bridge, big chief maggotty troll!

Hello Sailor! said...

Preferably Sydney Harbour bridge when one of those fcuk off great ocean liners is ploughing its way through!

mike the perv said...

many thanks sweetcheeks:)

mike the perv said...

May I remind you that even God calls me God

Anonymous said...

Is that really Trevor Mac reporting on Hitchen? I missed that.

Anonymous said...

Tell me, Mr Maggot, where did you get that crappy slogan from? The same place as your Don't be a wannabbee be a trendy, one?

mike the perv said...

Of course it is you imbecile. I only have the best reporters on my award winning blog.

Sheesh, what else can I expect from someone who didn't graduate from an eminent university?

EGCMG

mike the perv said...

What crappy slogan?

Sheesh if you must be cryptic then at least make sense.

EGCMG

Anonymous said...

mike the perv said...
Of course it is you imbecile. I only have the best reporters on my award winning blog.

Sheesh, what else can I expect from someone who didn't graduate from an eminent university?

EGCMG

25 March 2008 23:15


Well I never! Hitchen made it on News at Ten.

Whatever next!

Anonymous said...

Sense? In your case, don't you mean, stench?

mike the perv said...

Who mentioned 'whatever'? Don't you talk to me about that TFA on here, I'm an international sex symbol!

Sheesh!

Very Sweet Cheeks said...

Oh maggot! You are so clever and brilliant and marvellous and fantastic and godlike and perfect and a real international businessman sex symbol cyber god who is called god even by god - the news at 10 is the greatest accolade yet. Well done, well done, well done.

May I offer you my botty by way of congratulations?

mike the perv said...

You certainly may:)

mike the perv said...

I don't come often but when I do it's enough to fill a blog huh girls?

Anonymous said...

Yeah mike so you keep telling us! But we still don't buy it.

Anonymous said...

I'm all yours!

mike the perv said...

Who said anything about having to buy it?:)

Anonymous said...

I've already suggested two lollipop sticks and an elastic band might help.

If not, you could always try a couple of Euro birds and momma's bra.

mike the perv said...

But if you've got $6 that would come in useful:)

Anonymous said...

But you told me you could only have the chance of even trying to get it up is by buying it.

mike the perv said...

you don't want to believe everything I say sweetcheeks:)

Anonymous said...

Errata.

I meant two old Euro birds.

mike the perv said...

mommy!

Anonymous said...

I believe everything you say! You are the Honest John of the blogosphere!

mike the perv said...

This is very true sweetcheeks:)

mike the perv said...

How interesting. No activity on this board since Novemeber, then all of a sudden you come out to play. I wonder why?

- anthony

Essex Girl said...

You are such a saucy saucepot with all those secret sources sitting shovelling scoops to Syndey's super sleuth star satirical scribe.

mike the perv said...

Goodnight my little gum tree paddlers! Enjoy the thwacking sound of my gums smacking together whilst I sleep.

I love you all!

EGCMG

Anonymous said...

I know somewhere else where there's been no activity since last november, and way beyond before that.

It inside your elasticated ankle trackkie bottoms.

Whoops! I just said bottoms.

Anonymous said...

Your gums smacking together? Are you sure that's what it is?

Anonymous said...

mike the perv said...
you don't want to believe everything I say sweetcheeks:)

25 March 2008 23:29

___

Don't worry we don't.

dead jane said...

Yooo hoooo pervy maggot, tell the truth boy, you were taken in for questioning, isn't that right. You didn't go to the police, the police came to you and asked you to come in to answer some questions. Tell the truth to your 3 fans. Arsehole. Wont be long now until the jacket is on and tied at the back. Moron

Elmer Quigley Gooseburger said...

No one seems to have mentioned that Hitchen is a cunt?

Hitchen, you're a cunt.

Anonymous said...

Hello elmer! How goes it ;)

Anonymous said...

Just wondring why the blog owner says "mommy" instead of "mummy" - do they say "mommy" down under?
Is the blog owner in the USA - wasn't Hitchen's ex-fiancee from America?

mike the perv said...

Ah, the talented Baron von Quigley of Goose-me has graced my award winning blog.

Hello Danny Boy

You left this on my popular photoblog

By jove, Hitchen, methinks you are rattled.

Not half as rattled however, as you might find yourself in the not too distant.

Oh, by the way, work will be taking me by way of Sydney in the next month or so.

Would it not be a great opportunity for us to chew the fat, as it were, and heal any rifts?

I would just love the opportunity to buy you a beer. I'll be sure to look you up when I'm in town...

:-)

Be delighted to meet you Danny Boy - I will even take time off from running tow succesfull blogs to do so. I realse you don't have such problems

I think it is marvellous that Britain's welfare system pays for trips such as yours.

Have a nice day

Mike
EGCMG

Anonymous said...

What's the betting maggot's work will conveniently take him away from the Sydney area in the next month or two. Thus giving him the perfect excuse not to meet up with 'Danny Boy' and take up his generuous offer to buy him a beer!

Anonymous said...

Go on Elmer - sic 'im.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget your camera when you visit Sydney will you Danny Boy. I know its a lot to ask, but we need some different head shots of the Maggot for the photoblog. Some videos of him cruising the boys school would be even better!

tad said...

Maggot will probably want to take you to his favorite drag queen hotspots around town, so don't forget to pack your Cher and Liza Minnelli costumes...it should be a lot of fun!

Anonymous said...

Just take some decent photos while you are there, because Hitchen's are todally like...crap!!!

A Fan said...

Please don't take any photos of traffic lights or barbed wire, maggot has enough of those.
Give him a bitch slap from me while you are there and record him crying like a girl, squeaky voice an all.

Anonymous said...

Don't take any photos of ducks in ponds either - we've seen enough of those , also unsuspecting people waiting at bus stops , and water going down kitchen sinks, would also be off limits.

Anonymous said...

and don't take more bad angles of pavements with silly street warning signs and a badly cropped tree - or mummy stroking her handbag either.

Anonymous said...

Or mummy stroking your handbag even.

Anonymous said...

If Hitchen says he's had an hour long interview with the police about Jill Havern - that's a mighty long interview! How comes she's not heard anything from them then?

Clutching at straws here but it could it be because HE MADE THE WHOLE DAMN THING UP?
Or maybe it could be that the police have spoken to him, but as a result of complaints that have been made against him and he's turning it round to make out he's winning whatever sick game he's playing.

Either of those two scenarios seem plausible. Totally implausible is the assertion that he's got the police to take him seriously. As if!?

stevie knickers said...

He's obviously lying. I can't believe the Sydney police have nothing better to do than spend an hour talking to a sick nutter like him. There must not be much crime in Sydney!

jkh said...

Not sure when Hitchen updated his press release, but it's been 4 days since it was published on here and neither Jeremy nor myself have heard anything about Hitchen's complaint.

Strange that.

So, I took it upon myself to ring the local nick and they didn't have a clue what I was talking about.

Which begs the question: why does Hitchen lie about everything? What is he hoping to achieve?

Anonymous said...

Orgasm, eventually. It's taken 51 years so far and he's not there yet.

Anonymous said...

He's lying. Police friend has checked it out and yes, he's lying. He is, however, getting quite a reputation for himself and certainly not one that he should feel pleased with.